"Please"

Have you ever noticed how much people say "I'm sorry"?  And I don't mean I just burned a hole in your shirt ironing I'm sorry, but more like I'm sorry could you repeat that again.  What are you feeling sorry for?  It's not your fault.  I find myself doing the same, but not with the words I'm sorry.  I tend to do be what I call the "middle child mediator".  While growing up back home I didn't think I was the apple of either of my parents eye.  My older sister was my daddy's girl, she never got in trouble.  While my younger brother was mommas boy.  He and my mom share very similar interest, so it was easy for them to bond.  My younger sister got attention from both.  

I on the other hand felt like I had to make myself comfortable in the middle.  I always felt like I had to accommodate to people to make them like me.  I never really blew up at anyone or expressed my feelings out of fear that they will get mad at me for doing so.  How stupid is that!  I was very quite growing up.  I just didn't want anyone to get mad at me.  I didn't like the feeling of being disliked, or unapproved.  These feelings made me shy and timid in social settings.  I guess I just took out the risk factor of getting a bi red x on my paper by not even turning it in.

As an adult I can say that I have changed.  Some.  I still put other people's happiness before my own at times.  My mom says I am easy going.  I guess that's the nice way of saying you are a push over.  There must be balance between polite and Mikey from the life cereal commercial.  I don't want people to look at me and think " Lets give it to Bayano, he will eat anything."  

Another point of self reflection I have noticed is that I tend to dress rather defensive.  Only when I am feeling bold will I put on my cool shoes.  Back in the "pre-party" days (03-04)  I had a pair of "celebrity shoes"  I would wear them when I went out no matter were we went.  The were these ugly greenish-brown nikes.  I would tell myself that I am cool, and since I am so cool you want me.  You know what?  I violated more dress codes, and got into more A list celebrity parties than any of my friends that were dressed "appropriate"  It just goes to show that a little self confidence can go a long way.

I'm just rambling on about myself today, I have been doing alot of thinking on what will makes  me happy.  What makes you happy?